Grieving what might have been

Yesterday I thought I was fine. I could do life. I don't think I cried once. I looked at Zach's picture on my dressing table and David's photo holding him on my cell phone. I thought I had come to acceptance. I vacillated between pride (wow, look how well I'm coping) and guilt (surely I can't have got over the death of my grandson in just a week).

Today I woke up with a headache. I didn't want to get out of bed. I felt like a child saying "I don't fwant to get up, I don't want to go to school, I don't want..."
Not a very mature attitude. Of course the adult response is "well you can't always get what you want."

So I dragged myself up, slowly. I forced myself to have a quiet time. My eye fell on a book in my bookcase called "For all seasons". Remembering that quote from Ephesians, "There's a time for every purpose under heaven," I thought it might give me some isights about birth and death that might help me. I looked under "a time to be born and a time to die". It turned out to be a book of poems. The one I read was about a 16 year old girl who fell pregnant. The father wasn't prepared/wasn't in a position to marry her or provide anything for his child. So she had the baby adopted. She had to give away the one person she loved most in the world. The poem had the refrain "What might have been".

I have been crying ever since. I can't even list all the "What might have been"'s with regard to Zachary or even the "What should have been"'s. I would only cry all the more. Today I am grieving the "What Might Have Been"'s.

I know there are 5 accepted stages of grief: Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression and Acceptance.

I've been through Denial. I was holding out for a miracle. I didn't try bargaining. It didn't occur to me. I knew God was in control and that He could perform a miracle but that He doesn't hand them out very often and my prayer was merely a request. The yes or no was up to Him.

I don't think I've done the anger. I am not very good at anger. Who is there to be angry with after all. Only God. And how can I, a mere mortal be angry at God? Disappointed yes. Betrayed yes. What about all those promises? 'Ask whatever you wish in my name and it will be done for you', etc. Lord, are you just like a politician telling the people what they want to hear and then not keeping your promises? Or did I not understand? How can I trust other promises?

Yesterday I thought I had reached the acceptance stage. Today I realize I am in the depression stage. It is hard to interact with people. I met somebody from our church on the way to gym. He asked how I was and I told him and cried all the way to the change room. After my session on the treadmill and washing my face, (It's OK to have a red face after your workout but tears are unusual), I met somebody who left our school to go and work in Port Elizabeth about a year ago. She asked how I was and I lied. Now I know why people reply by rote, "fine thank you." It's much easier emotionally. Most people are probably not fine either. They just have to put on the face.

My verse for today is from Psalm 30. "You turned my wailing into dancing and removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy." Certainly not true at the moment. perhaps in the future.

A mother’s prayer

I have been emptying out my very top cupboard in preparation for moving.   I found this prayer which helped me a lot at a time when I had three children and life was chaotic.   Now I look back nostalgically to those days.

      
  Sometimes we get so caught up in the busyness of life and the urgency of deadlines that we miss the magic moments.
When we focus on what we have lost it’s easy to overlook what we still have.

Balloons and Paper Planes

 

How much can happen in a week – a mere 7 days.    A week ago things were normal. 

A grandson was born.   Something went wrong.   The placenta detached.   No blood.   No oxygen.   Organ damage.   Brain damage.

Zachary Samuel Young lived 11 hours.   He was loved, he was celebrated, he was admired.   A group of friends bore testimony to his existence.   We were not there.   We are on the other side of the world.

We will never see our grandson, never hold him.   We have photos, we even have videos.   Technology is amazing, but it can never replace reality.

We weren’t at the funeral.   It sounds awesome.   Paper planes with messages were thrown onto the coffin instead of rose petals.   So much more suitable for a boy.   Zachary would have loved it.   Then just before sunset balloons were released into the sky over Napier as our grandson was buried. 

“Zachary, I’ll look out for you when I get to heaven.   You’ll be the boy in the All Blacks T shirt.   Meanwhile I love you very much and miss you.   from Granny ”   That  is what I would have written on my paper plane.

Now we have a new normal.   I have a new photo on my dressing table.   I carry a box of tissues wherever I go.   I am functioning and most of the time I seem fine.   It’s just when I pass a rack of baby boy clothes, or meet up with a friend or get a phone call that I fall to pieces and can’t stop crying.   It’s not even a good idea to stop for a while and just think.   Much better to keep doing things.

I know things will get better in time but I am forever marked by Zachary’s birth and untimely death.   I know that God works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purposes and I trust Him to keep His promises.   However, for the rest of my life I might shed a tear when anybody asks me how many grandchildren I have and I might never look at paper planes in the same way again.

Thank You

It’s awesome how kind people can be.   It just takes a tragedy to make one realise it.   We have been inundated with messages of support, condolences, prayers from wonderful people – some of whom I know only slightly.   The Biology department gave me a bunch of flowers and a beautiful statuette of an angel sitting next to an orb holding a candle.   I will treasure it and always remember Zachary when I see it. possibly light it every year on his birthday.

I got flowers from the Moll family and a beautiful golden potted rose from Lesley, my best friend.   She said pink was too girlish, white was too bland, red was more romantic love so yellow was golden and therefore something precious.   It will come with us to our new house and will also remind me of Zachary.

I got phone calls from the church, the prayer chain, one of the pastors.   Thank you to everybody who has supported us by messages, SMS’s, phone calls, gifts.   You might think they were insignificant and that nothing you can say can really help us but really it is just the accumulated love and support that is getting us through.

  Going to church this morning was a challenge.   I took tissues with me.   Couldn’t sing the first song.   It’s amazing how worship brings tears to the surface.

One of the ladies from the prayer team, Denise Law, who is very close to the Lord, said she had been praying a lot for Zach when she first got the message.   When she heard that he had died she questioned the Lord.   The answer she got was Zach’s little life would make a difference for the Kingdom.   It is David’s future, not his past.   Not quite sure how to interpret that but I know the Lord knows and I trust him even when I don’t understand.

The closing hymn was God’s word for me today.

"Be Still, My Soul"
by Catharina von Schlegel, 1697-?
Translated by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897

1. Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From His own fulness all He takes away.

4. Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Hymn #651
The Lutheran Hymnal
Text: Psalm 46:10

Be Strong

“You then, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus.”   The verse I got in my quiet time today from 2 Tim 2:1.

What does it mean to be strong?   I am reminded of that section in Joshua where the Lord tells Joshua to be strong and courageous 4 times.    (Josh 1)

Does it mean don’t cry at the funeral?   Don’t cry when people are kind and loving to you?   I don’t think so.   Jesus wept and He is the strongest man I know.

I think that being strong is set in the context of battle.   You either face the enemy or you run away.   There are many ways to run away.   Some people try drugs or alcohol because they can’t face the pain.   Some immerse themselves in something else to keep so busy that they keep pushing it to the outside.   But the brave thing to do, is to face the pain, recognise it, embrace it, go through it.

Who is the enemy in this battle?   It is the father of lies and his greatest weapons are lies.   Lies like:

“see, God doesn’t love you, look what he did to you” 

or “It is all you fault.   If only…”

or even “God is punishing you because you are not good enough.”

There are many lies in his arsenal.   Being strong is being able to discern the lies and to resist them.   To stay close to Jesus and to trust Him no matter what.  To use the word of God which is the truth against the lies.

Don’t try to do it on your own.   There are people all around willing and able to help you.   Counsellors, pastors, friends, doctors, professionals, even strangers if God chooses to use them.

And whatever you do, don’t go into battle without your armour.   (Eph 6)

Being strong is also being able to resist the temptation of looking inward.   When you are in pain it is easy to shut out the rest of the world and focus only on your own pain.   There are other people out there, many of them also in pain, many of them needing you to be strong for them.

Being strong is being able to cling tenaciously to Christ, the author and finisher of our faith.   Trust Him.   Stand on His promises.

…and the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  (Phil 4:&)

I hope that I will be able to do this, to resist the lies, to look outwards and to cling to Christ.   “I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”

A Father’s Love

Zachary lived only 12 hours but his father loves him intensely.   As his granny in another continent, I also love him.   I am devastated that he was taken from us and yet I have never seen him, never held him.   What did this little half a day old baby do to deserve all this love?   Was he good, was he smart?   Did he help others?

He did none of these things.   He was brain damaged at birth and could barely even breathe himself.   No, my son David loves him so much and always will, just because Zachary is his son.   We love him so much just because he is our grandson.

God is such a father to us.   We don’t earn His love.   He loves us just because we are His children.   There is nothing we can do to earn His love, to deserve his love.   We can’t do anything to cause Him to love us more or to love us less.   His desire is to be with us and love us just as Dave and Gayle delighted in each minute they got to spend with Zachary.   In fact God loves us so much that He gave his only begotten Son so that whoever believes in him will not die but will be with Him in heaven forever.   (John 3:16)   He wants us to be with Him always.

So Zachary, although you were only on this earth for 12 hours, you have enriched us.   You have taught me a little bit about the love of God.

When the fairy tale ends

We all started off believing in fairy tales. For little girls they go something like, I am a beautiful princess (perhaps poor, but definitely good). At some stage a handsome prince is going to come and fall in love with me, marry me and we will live happily ever after. Happily ever after includes having children (who are happy) who grow up in the same fairy tale world and get happily married and have more children.

Depending on our circumstances, the fairy tale ends sooner or later. Some people don't even remember the fairy tale because they were too young when it ended. For a new born baby the fairy tale is that I will be loved, have a mother and father who love each other and me, who look after me and care for me so I can grow to my full potential. Some babies don't get that and for them the fairy tale has ended even before they are a day old.

Others see the end of their fairy tale when they are still children: When I find out I am not as beautiful, when Daddy moves out or when my inoocence is stolen by a stranger or a family member.

I have been lucky. I almost had the fairy tale. OK I'm not beautiful, but nevertheless a handsome prince came my way, loved me and married me. We have three beautiful Christian children, two of them married to wonderful Christian partners.

All around me fairy tales were ending. The husbands who were not faithful, the children who were not perfect, cancer, bankrupcy, fraud. I realized this world is not heaven. Far from it. But for me, my own personal fairy tale was still going strong.

First grandchild. a beautiful, adorable little girl and two grandsons on the way.

Yesterday my fairy tale ended. My first grandson was born and lived but twelve hours. A beautiful little boy. So much potential. He had 25% of my genetic material. He was flesh of my flesh and blood of my blood. Yesterday 25% of me died.

Fortunately I am a Christian. I believe there is a better place, a place where I am loved like a princess and where Zachary can grow up like a beloved prince. My savior, Jesus Christ made it possible for me to get to this better place where there is no corruption, no shattering of dreams, no cruelty, no death, no crying.
Now my stake in heaven is stronger. Besides my Dad waiting for me, there will be little Zachary, probably wearing an All Black t shirt.

For now I have to live in this world. Jesus said, "in this word you will have many trials, but behold, I have overcome the world."

Zachary with Dave and Gayle

 

To my first Grandson

Dear Zachary,

Did I have a premonition?   It’s always easy to look back and say that I did.   I don’t know.   I was going to post a facebook comment to your mom’s profile saying something like I pray that Jesus would be in the hospital room with them, holding her hand and ready to receive the baby (that’s you) into His arms.  Then I thought better of it.   My Mom (that’s your great grandmother) wrote on my Dad’s obituary, “safe in the arms of Jesus”.   The connotation didn’t seem right.   So I changed my comment.

I was crying even before I heard the news of how sick you are.   Because the facebook comments seemed to suggest that a baby had been born but I had had no official proud parent announcement (------------------has been born, weighing 3.?kg, mother and baby doing well)   All sorts of dark thoughts were trying to gain ascendency in my mind.   I did remember how when your cousin, Emma, was born,  I knew that your aunt had gone into hospital but I was on a plane and I had to switch off my cell phone.  (they make you do that, you know, so that the cell phone signals don’t interfere with the communications of the plane.)   I had been imagining all the worst scenarios and how your uncle Steven would cope if he lost his wife and had a tiny baby to look after.   But it all turned out fine.   I tried to tell myself that all my fears were groundless.   After all, lots of new babies, especially early ones,  end up in a respirator.

The the SMS came from your dad.   “”Zachary Samuel Young was in distress for several hours (blood tests show) without oxygen or blood.   They say he will never breathe on his own, and will have massive brain damage.   Going to see him….”

It takes a while for a message like that to sink in.   I didn’t know what to do.

I have been reading a book called “the boy who came back from heaven” by Kevin Malarkey.   His 6 year old son was in a very serious car accident in which his spinal column was severed from his skull.   Doctors said he couldn’t possibly survive.   Six years later, he is still alive and is an inspiration to people all around the world.   During his 2 months in a coma, he was in heaven and can tell us a lot about it.   I haven’t got to much of that part yet.   I was inspired, however, how God used a tragedy to show His goodness, to bring people together.   I liked this quote from his father “My Dad doesn’t believe in the existence of a bad day.   I find that holding this philosophy makes a great difference in our state of contentment.   The tougher life became, the more good we saw in people and in God.   It’s possible to know peace and pain at the same time, believe it or not.   Life can be rough yet still feel right.   Even as I wept at times, I knew my family was aligned with the will of God.   I could say, with the old hymn, It is well with my soul……I am a child of God, destined for another world, a world before which this one pales into insignificance…”

In a way, I could say that God has been preparing me through this book and the one I read before “heaven is for real” to face this current trauma.

I have contacted everybody I know and asked them to pray for a miracle.   Miracles certainly happen today.   I don’t know whether God will grant this one, baby Zachary, but I trust him to do what is best.

Meanwhile, while I am crying uncontrollably every 5 minutes or so, the refrain going around and around in my mind is “yeah, yeah, God is good…”  Strange that.

Your dad recently sent another SMS saying that they had taken you off the respirator and had you with them in the room and that after 15 minutes you were still breathing.   What about that “will never breathe on his own'” story?   Are they right about the rest or has God already started answering our prayers?   I don’t know.

I don’t know if today will be your first and only day on earth.   If so, I’ll have to wait until I get to heaven before I meet you.   I will probably be the lady crying at everything and saying the wrong thing all the time.If God is merciful to us and answers our prayers for a miracle, I’ll see you next year about Christmas time.

Just know this, my grandson, we all love you very much and we know that Jesus loves you even more.   Granny