Today I killed a computer. It was easy really - I merely wished it dead. The deceased in question is about ten years old and lived in the Science department at our school in a store room cum prep room between two class rooms. Everybody used it and everybody complained about it. Besides its age, and possibly because of it, it was very slow. It took me approximately half an hour to log in. However, we were lucky to have it. Normally only heads of department get computers. So we put up with the problems.
You see, computers play a game with people. The rules are fairy simple. The computer tries everything it is capable of to frustrate the humans. If the humans lose their tempers, or walk around the rest of the day in a bad mood, or physically strike or kick the computer, the computer wins. If the humans display patience and good humour no matter what, then the humans win.
We were about even. Three days ago it finally dawned on us that we didn't have a number of faulty CD's and DVD's that couldn't be read by a computer. We had a computer with a broken CD drive.
The process to rectify it goes as follows: I send an e mail to our computer fundi. He replies in a week or so to say he will look at it. Then I meet him in the passage and he tells me he couldn't get into the lab because it was locked because he came after school the day before. Like we are going to leave a store of dangerous chemicals and interesting equipment unlocked in a school full of teenagers!
My colleage and I were discussing the problem. We both agreed that we needed a new computer. However they wouldn't give us one unless it was irreparably broken.
"Well, perhaps it could accidentally fall off the table," I suggested.
He pointed to the tower on the floor.
"It doesn't have anywhere more to fall. How about if some acid got spilled on it?"
I thought that it might look suspicious if acid got down the back of the computer under the table.
So I sent the e mail.
Yesterday I was testing our entry for the Technology Olympiad after school. Then I thought it would be just as well to enter our results and they were done. The computer screen was blank and wouldn't respond to anything so I assumed a power cut had switched off the computer and I switched it on again. I typed in my name and password and then made myself of cup of coffee while I waited for it to load my personal settings. After half an hour I read through the team's report and corrected all the spelling mistakes. Loading was still going on. At four o clock I decided that it was stupid to spend time after school waiting for a computer when I could just as well record the results the next day. So I went home.
This morning the computer was still loading my settings. I rebooted it and went to do some practical demonstrations for two grade nine classes. At break the computer was still loading my settings.
Not being able to send an e mail, I sent an SMS.
To be honest, the computer won this round. I was miserable the rest of the day, being unable to do anything I wanted and unable to read any e mails which might have informed me of the programme for the Science Expo on Saturday. Finally I gave in and went to discuss my frustration with our vice principal who takes an interest in the school computers.
Towards the end of the school day the computer fundi came to investigate. It seems our computer was hanging.
"This is quite an old computer," he told us. "You need a new one. This one's dead. I'll speak to the vice principal about getting you one."
So the computer might have won the battle, but we won the war. We killed the computer by wishing it dead. We have declared tomorrow a day of celebration - I mean mourning.
