When the fairy tale ends

We all started off believing in fairy tales. For little girls they go something like, I am a beautiful princess (perhaps poor, but definitely good). At some stage a handsome prince is going to come and fall in love with me, marry me and we will live happily ever after. Happily ever after includes having children (who are happy) who grow up in the same fairy tale world and get happily married and have more children.

Depending on our circumstances, the fairy tale ends sooner or later. Some people don't even remember the fairy tale because they were too young when it ended. For a new born baby the fairy tale is that I will be loved, have a mother and father who love each other and me, who look after me and care for me so I can grow to my full potential. Some babies don't get that and for them the fairy tale has ended even before they are a day old.

Others see the end of their fairy tale when they are still children: When I find out I am not as beautiful, when Daddy moves out or when my inoocence is stolen by a stranger or a family member.

I have been lucky. I almost had the fairy tale. OK I'm not beautiful, but nevertheless a handsome prince came my way, loved me and married me. We have three beautiful Christian children, two of them married to wonderful Christian partners.

All around me fairy tales were ending. The husbands who were not faithful, the children who were not perfect, cancer, bankrupcy, fraud. I realized this world is not heaven. Far from it. But for me, my own personal fairy tale was still going strong.

First grandchild. a beautiful, adorable little girl and two grandsons on the way.

Yesterday my fairy tale ended. My first grandson was born and lived but twelve hours. A beautiful little boy. So much potential. He had 25% of my genetic material. He was flesh of my flesh and blood of my blood. Yesterday 25% of me died.

Fortunately I am a Christian. I believe there is a better place, a place where I am loved like a princess and where Zachary can grow up like a beloved prince. My savior, Jesus Christ made it possible for me to get to this better place where there is no corruption, no shattering of dreams, no cruelty, no death, no crying.
Now my stake in heaven is stronger. Besides my Dad waiting for me, there will be little Zachary, probably wearing an All Black t shirt.

For now I have to live in this world. Jesus said, "in this word you will have many trials, but behold, I have overcome the world."

To my first Grandson

Dear Zachary,

Did I have a premonition?   It’s always easy to look back and say that I did.   I don’t know.   I was going to post a facebook comment to your mom’s profile saying something like I pray that Jesus would be in the hospital room with them, holding her hand and ready to receive the baby (that’s you) into His arms.  Then I thought better of it.   My Mom (that’s your great grandmother) wrote on my Dad’s obituary, “safe in the arms of Jesus”.   The connotation didn’t seem right.   So I changed my comment.

I was crying even before I heard the news of how sick you are.   Because the facebook comments seemed to suggest that a baby had been born but I had had no official proud parent announcement (------------------has been born, weighing 3.?kg, mother and baby doing well)   All sorts of dark thoughts were trying to gain ascendency in my mind.   I did remember how when your cousin, Emma, was born,  I knew that your aunt had gone into hospital but I was on a plane and I had to switch off my cell phone.  (they make you do that, you know, so that the cell phone signals don’t interfere with the communications of the plane.)   I had been imagining all the worst scenarios and how your uncle Steven would cope if he lost his wife and had a tiny baby to look after.   But it all turned out fine.   I tried to tell myself that all my fears were groundless.   After all, lots of new babies, especially early ones,  end up in a respirator.

The the SMS came from your dad.   “”Zachary Samuel Young was in distress for several hours (blood tests show) without oxygen or blood.   They say he will never breathe on his own, and will have massive brain damage.   Going to see him….”

It takes a while for a message like that to sink in.   I didn’t know what to do.

I have been reading a book called “the boy who came back from heaven” by Kevin Malarkey.   His 6 year old son was in a very serious car accident in which his spinal column was severed from his skull.   Doctors said he couldn’t possibly survive.   Six years later, he is still alive and is an inspiration to people all around the world.   During his 2 months in a coma, he was in heaven and can tell us a lot about it.   I haven’t got to much of that part yet.   I was inspired, however, how God used a tragedy to show His goodness, to bring people together.   I liked this quote from his father “My Dad doesn’t believe in the existence of a bad day.   I find that holding this philosophy makes a great difference in our state of contentment.   The tougher life became, the more good we saw in people and in God.   It’s possible to know peace and pain at the same time, believe it or not.   Life can be rough yet still feel right.   Even as I wept at times, I knew my family was aligned with the will of God.   I could say, with the old hymn, It is well with my soul……I am a child of God, destined for another world, a world before which this one pales into insignificance…”

In a way, I could say that God has been preparing me through this book and the one I read before “heaven is for real” to face this current trauma.

I have contacted everybody I know and asked them to pray for a miracle.   Miracles certainly happen today.   I don’t know whether God will grant this one, baby Zachary, but I trust him to do what is best.

Meanwhile, while I am crying uncontrollably every 5 minutes or so, the refrain going around and around in my mind is “yeah, yeah, God is good…”  Strange that.

Your dad recently sent another SMS saying that they had taken you off the respirator and had you with them in the room and that after 15 minutes you were still breathing.   What about that “will never breathe on his own'” story?   Are they right about the rest or has God already started answering our prayers?   I don’t know.

I don’t know if today will be your first and only day on earth.   If so, I’ll have to wait until I get to heaven before I meet you.   I will probably be the lady crying at everything and saying the wrong thing all the time.If God is merciful to us and answers our prayers for a miracle, I’ll see you next year about Christmas time.

Just know this, my grandson, we all love you very much and we know that Jesus loves you even more.   Granny