Grieving what might have been

Yesterday I thought I was fine. I could do life. I don't think I cried once. I looked at Zach's picture on my dressing table and David's photo holding him on my cell phone. I thought I had come to acceptance. I vacillated between pride (wow, look how well I'm coping) and guilt (surely I can't have got over the death of my grandson in just a week).

Today I woke up with a headache. I didn't want to get out of bed. I felt like a child saying "I don't fwant to get up, I don't want to go to school, I don't want..."
Not a very mature attitude. Of course the adult response is "well you can't always get what you want."

So I dragged myself up, slowly. I forced myself to have a quiet time. My eye fell on a book in my bookcase called "For all seasons". Remembering that quote from Ephesians, "There's a time for every purpose under heaven," I thought it might give me some isights about birth and death that might help me. I looked under "a time to be born and a time to die". It turned out to be a book of poems. The one I read was about a 16 year old girl who fell pregnant. The father wasn't prepared/wasn't in a position to marry her or provide anything for his child. So she had the baby adopted. She had to give away the one person she loved most in the world. The poem had the refrain "What might have been".

I have been crying ever since. I can't even list all the "What might have been"'s with regard to Zachary or even the "What should have been"'s. I would only cry all the more. Today I am grieving the "What Might Have Been"'s.

I know there are 5 accepted stages of grief: Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression and Acceptance.

I've been through Denial. I was holding out for a miracle. I didn't try bargaining. It didn't occur to me. I knew God was in control and that He could perform a miracle but that He doesn't hand them out very often and my prayer was merely a request. The yes or no was up to Him.

I don't think I've done the anger. I am not very good at anger. Who is there to be angry with after all. Only God. And how can I, a mere mortal be angry at God? Disappointed yes. Betrayed yes. What about all those promises? 'Ask whatever you wish in my name and it will be done for you', etc. Lord, are you just like a politician telling the people what they want to hear and then not keeping your promises? Or did I not understand? How can I trust other promises?

Yesterday I thought I had reached the acceptance stage. Today I realize I am in the depression stage. It is hard to interact with people. I met somebody from our church on the way to gym. He asked how I was and I told him and cried all the way to the change room. After my session on the treadmill and washing my face, (It's OK to have a red face after your workout but tears are unusual), I met somebody who left our school to go and work in Port Elizabeth about a year ago. She asked how I was and I lied. Now I know why people reply by rote, "fine thank you." It's much easier emotionally. Most people are probably not fine either. They just have to put on the face.

My verse for today is from Psalm 30. "You turned my wailing into dancing and removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy." Certainly not true at the moment. perhaps in the future.